"Kung pagod ka na at ayaw mo lang bumigay dahil ayaw kitang bitawan, wag mo na kong isipin. I'll be fine." These were the exact words I told my Beni last Saturday. 

We were both sick and bed-ridden for almost a week. For me, I got a lot better after taking lots of medicines, but that's not the case for my canine bestfriend. He was with me for 11 loving years and it seems the time has come to finally bid our goodbye. 

A few months earlier, our veterinarian found a variety of lumps over his body but the most alarming was the hand-sized cyst on his neck. He was diagnosed with cancer. Of course, I broke down after I heard the diagnosis and our vet told us that he needs to undergo surgery to remove the cyst and also needs chemotherapy afterwards. We didn't dare to take the risk as it is not practical and the very low probability that he can survive the treatment considering Beni's age.

I would like to call it a miracle that the lumps eventually subside a few weeks after diagnosis. Even the hand-sized cyst also dried up. I was really thankful for that short-term miracle and that we were given the chance to shower him with love a little bit longer.

But then, 11 years is no joke. His age actually hit him these past few days. It was hard for me to see him so weak. So fragile. So helpless. It came to the point that he could barely stand up, eat, and even take a sip of water. My heart shattered every time I greet and kiss him during his last few days. 

After he left us, I realized how selfish I was. I keep thinking, maybe he was really suffering even before but he couldn't let go because of me. He has always pretended to be strong as he stood before me, even if he's always trembling due to his frail legs. He has always acknowledged my presence by wagging his tail once just to not make me worry and to give the assurance that he's still alive. He has always pretended and forced himself to eat so that I wouldn't nag him for not eating. He made sure that my heart is at ease knowing how paranoid his mom was. 

No one is ever mature enough when you are a dog-parent. I thought a day or two would be enough to grieve over my loss, but I think it will take a little more time. Friends, please bear with me. Beni has been with me for almost half of my life. He was more than just a pet nor a best friend. He's part of my family. A part of my life. A piece of my heart. 

P.S. Beni died on 5 September 2016, my dad's 12th year death anniversary. 

It seems like forever since I last let my feelings pour out through this blog. I am writing now to express my grief with regards to the passing away of three (or four) of what i consider my best friends, companions, and family members.

A couple of months ago Putchi, the head of the Amazonas, died because of her ripe age... I forced myself not to cry because I felt that I'm too old to cry over the loss of a "pet". Then a few weeks later, her "daughter" Grapes followed.

Then a few days ago, Grapes' daughter Sammy, came home with half of her fragile body paralyzed. She cannot move the right side of her body so I had to feed her. It was really heartbreaking seeing her suffer like that, for the image that she and her pack left were those of glorious dogs roaming around our backyard and the streets of our village with pride.

What broke my heart is when I came home last Tuesday night. It would've been better of they did not let me see her. When I came home, Sammy was lying in front of our gate, looking like she's waiting for someone and guarding our house... watching over us and protecting our home.

After the female amazonas' death, I am not even sure if Beni 'Jr.' is still alive. He hasn't come back home since last Monday. Now, the only surviving member of their lineage is Anonymous.

To be honest, their presence gave us our sense of security and peace of mind. I felt so safe even if I usually come home late because they were always waiting for me outside of our gate. I felt protected with them around. If I were a princess, they would act as the dragons protecting me in my castle. 

They served us with love and loyalty for a very very long time and I was really planning to keep Putchi's legacy together with mine. I have always imagined having my own family together with Putchi"s and Beni's descendants: my future children will be playing with their puppies in our garden, Beni accompanying me when I finally walk down the aisle once i get married, you know things like that. They are always included in my plans.

It may seem so childish to give too much fuss over my canine friends, but all that I can do now is just thank God for giving me such wonderful companions while growing up. 

So to my babies, thank you for being my lovely little dragons... and farewell.

Hope you enjoyed the sneak peek of the wonderful world of Beni~